my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
i was baptized in a car wash
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials