I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me