some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?