Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”