Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…