5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.