Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.