After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.