Essential viewing in these troubled times.
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
“I’m helping” 😅
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”