Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.