imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button