We built this city on rock n roll. The streets have no names. The midnight train goes anywhere. Stairways climb to heaven. Tbh its a gd mess
“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken
Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream
“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses
[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on
[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh