Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
this post was so formative to me
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.