Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”