Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.