I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
When you kidnap a writer.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
happy valentine’s day to me
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?