(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police