Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy