My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.