Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”