I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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School be like
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”