Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.