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@iheartgunts : A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
@iheartgunts: I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
@iheartgunts: "Don't let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father's actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
@iheartgunts: I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.
@iheartgunts: When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her "Stop."
@iheartgunts: It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.