A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.