“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart