Funny Tweeter

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Page of iinkedZombie's best tweets

@iinkedZombie : Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

@iinkedZombie: My daughter asked me what it's like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, "hi."

@iinkedZombie: Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

@iinkedZombie: My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

@iinkedZombie: Me: I don't feel like driving home.

5: I'll drive.

Me: You're not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won't reach the pedals.

Me: And that.

@iinkedZombie: Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

@iinkedZombie: [answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven't showed up in 2 days!

@iinkedZombie: [first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

@iinkedZombie: Flight attendant: sir, you can't bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.

@iinkedZombie: ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don't even pay attention to anything I say.