My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!