[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
5: ready..? Start.
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.
5: My brother lets me play with his.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “