Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess