@iinkedZombie

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

@iinkedZombie

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

@iinkedZombie

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

@iinkedZombie

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

@iinkedZombie

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.