I love the honesty
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour