Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.