Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
January has been Januweary
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone