I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.