Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of illTortuga's best tweets

@illTortuga : I'm worried my dog will never find out who's a good boy.

@illTortuga: "Welcome to Panda Express"
"I'd like one panda"
"Sorry we don't sell pand-"
*slips cashier $100*
"Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes"

@illTortuga: All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas' hair has been wet for 20 years.

@illTortuga: "Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@illTortuga: I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven't eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@illTortuga: From now on, when you see the word "minimum", good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@illTortuga: I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.

@illTortuga: Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@illTortuga: I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@illTortuga: Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.