“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.