A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.