Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school