Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”