It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis