Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.