Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”