-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families