so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me