Obituaries should have clickbait titles
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth