People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years