I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Favourite diary entry ever
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.