@imchriskelly

Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.

@imchriskelly

The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.

@imchriskelly

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

@imchriskelly

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

@imchriskelly

Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled “dead.” No dice! Thank god—hang in there, celebs!

@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

@imchriskelly

Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it