[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.