Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The virtual cashier at Wegmans is too loud. “… move your.. MOIST WIPES.. to the bagging area”. Shut. Up.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I lost my ‘I Voted’ sticker so they made me vote again to get another one.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row