@impaulmccoy

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

@impaulmccoy

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

@impaulmccoy

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

@impaulmccoy

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

@impaulmccoy

The virtual cashier at Wegmans is too loud. “… move your.. MOIST WIPES.. to the bagging area”. Shut. Up.

@impaulmccoy

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

@impaulmccoy

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

@impaulmccoy

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

@impaulmccoy

I lost my ‘I Voted’ sticker so they made me vote again to get another one.

@impaulmccoy

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row