Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”