A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.