I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.