Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*launders Kohls cash*